SPO: Great team names

I went to a Bill Simmons book signing on Monday night. It was actually the opening book signing with the release of the book on Tuesday, so books were only available at midnight. It was actually pretty stupid - they should have taken a leaf from Midnight Madness and released the books at like 10pm there. Midnight Madness, the first college basketball practice of the season, used to take place at midnight as well because college teams are prohibited from practicing until a certain calendar day. But then they realized that by midnight, some college kids may be too gone to be good basketball fans. Yet even with a 10pm start time, one kid was dumb enough to steal a gun and shoot a toilet. But I digress.

I didn't even want a book - I mean this isn't Harry Potter here. But Bill Simmons has been an idol of mine since late high school. I basically used to refresh Espn.com until his column came out. Now I just listen to all his podcasts, and I've learned enough about him to really see all his flaws. When I finally got to meet him, at 1:40am and after shelving out $26 for his 700 page hardcover, I stuttered through asking him to sign "To Cal, the freeflowing signature that occasionally touches on mature subjects." (It's joke from the opening warning on his podcast) Looking visibly worn at this point, Bill went, "Oh I like that," before writing, "To Cal, the freeflowing signature...Bill" and said "sorry my hand is falling off." Then I met Joe House, who's voice I had only heard on the podcast. He looked like a Russian hitman, yet had that gentle voice. I told him we were going to bring him 2 Subway footlongs because we knew that "12 inch double meat was his thing."

During our long wait, my friend Steve and I revitalized our sophomore year discussion about team names. We went over the best and worst team names in American sports. I believe that team names are extremely important that will definitely impact a team's financial success and may impact its on field success. Many team name are classic things, like Bears and Eagles. Others should reflect city or regional characteristics. Here are my favorites:
Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens, San Francisco 49ers, Texas Rangers, Colorado Rockies, Milwaukee Brewers, Orlando Magic, Buffalo Bills

Here are my least favorite:
Washington Wizards, Oklahoma City Thunder, Utah Jazz, Memphis Grizzlies, Washington Redskins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans, Carolina Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Minnesota Wild

I've also compiled a list of fictional team names that probably will never be used as real team names. This concept started with my friend Layth bemoaning the awfulness of the Washington Wizards team name, and how they could have been the Washington Monuments (they changed their name in 1995 from the Bullets because of the violent connotations of bullets). This really involved into a project that occupied far too much of my time, but produced some downright hilarious results, as well as a few offensive ones. Without further ado:

Baltimore Wires
Boston Tea Party
Buffalo Wings
Chicago Deep Dishers
Cleveland Steamers
Hawaii Five-O
Indianapolis 500s
Kentucky Derbies
Los Angeles Riots
Los Angeles Smog
Memphis Pharaohs
Miami Vice
New Orleans Hurricanes
New York Minutes
Oklahoma City Bombers
Oregon Trail
Philadelphia Cheesesteaks
Phoenix Ashes
Salem Witch Trials
San Diego Anchormen
Seattle Best Coffees
St. Louis Arches
Texas Chainsaws
Utah Wives
Washington Monuments

I've even created a Buffalo Wings football helmet for your enjoyment.
Since this is an international-themed blog, I figured I might give you some international team names as well. Here we deviate even more from anything remotely presentable and just resort to silly puns. But you may enjoy:

London Bridges
Paris Hiltons
Brussels Sprouts
Berlin Walls
Prague Defenestration
Melbourne Identity
Seville Barbers
Dublin Mudslides
Seoul Trains
Bonn Voyages
Manila Folders
Kyoto Protocols
Vienna Sausages
Florence Nightingales