CUL: How to go to the bathroom in China

If you are a reader of this blog who is planning on visiting China but has never been, this will be the most important post for you. As well as the most disgusting. Here I will inscribe my findings from two months of trial - and unfortunately, error - involving Chinese bathrooms, and hopefully impart some invaluable wisdom on would-be clueless Western toilet users.

For starters, the Chinese do classify toilets as being either "Chinese toilets" which we would call squat toilets, or Western toilets. If your name is Nicole, you might also refer to squat toilets as "squatty potties." Do not make the mistake of referring to Western toilets as superior - if there's a clearcut distinction, the 1.2 billion Chinese people would have made the switch already. Instead, many people here feel more comfortable using a squat toilet, and when forced to use a Western toilet, they often choose to squat on it. Btw, note the general griminess of the bathroom to the left. This is China.

For some time now, I have endeavored to understand how the squat toilet is used, because my Western-biased opinion is that they are disgusting. This endeavor is not as straight forward as one would think because it basically involves observing another individual taking a dump, which is decidedly not cool for both parties involved. So I was left to wonder how Chinese people managed to not get tired squatting all the time, how they kept things clean, and why there was never any toilet paper at public restrooms. Even the restrooms I went to in Shanghai that I had to pay to use only supplied toilet paper upon demand. At first, I thought that squat toilets were just good for little kids who didn't have to worry about not being tall enough to pee. However, one night after playing Frisbee, I was so lucky (sic?) to be able to glimpse this practice one time in a public bathroom near Deshengmen when a chef didn't care enough to close his stall door, and unravel the unsettling mysteries. And I've discovered that the secret of the squat toilet centers on the first part of that name - the squat.

In addition to the Asian toilets and the Western toilets, there is an Asian squat and a Western squat. This is well-documented in a youtube clip that I would recommend any bored individual (namely all readers) take a look at. As stupid and humorous as that clip is, it is actually embarrassingly true. Something as basic as the squat can be done differently and in this case, it seems the Asian squat is objectively better. The trick does lie in the fact that the entire heel remains on the ground during the Asian squat, which at first seems unbalancing but in reality makes life must more comfortable on the legs. For some reason this is not part of my instinct: when I think to squat I rest on my toes. Furthermore, the Asian squat is very low to the ground, so low in fact that the chef was covering everything he needed to cover and thus was not the least embarrassed to leave the door open. During a bathroom trip, this results in limited splashing. In addition, because you're not ever touching anything with your skin, the squat toilet may in fact be more sanitary than the Western toilet, where the process of sharing buttcheek space is actually pretty disgusting. In addition, most toilets here have a foot lever to flush or constantly flush, which further reduces the chance of sharing germs. This is contrary to other parts of China, such as the dirty faucets , or the practice of eating with chopsticks in China which almost always means the sharing of germs. A problem with the squat toilet that does not exist in the Western toilet is the possibility of missing with fecal matter, but we're not going to give that subject any more mention.

As for the toilet paper, Chinese people do in fact wipe. The aforementioned chef was holding several paper towels in hand and everyone just knows to bring in the paper that they need in advance. I don't know what they do when they underestimate what they need but I hope that rarely happens. This custom is actually important in China because it requires less maintenance of the bathrooms. There are so many people here that maintenance is always difficult, and if everyone expected there to be toilet paper in the public toilets, they'd habitually run out, which is always the worst. Furthermore, the style of the squat toilet makes things easier to clean (although it often means they need more cleaning) because one can simply mop over it. Those are probably not the real reasons why the squat toilet is so widespread, it's probably a historical matter because originally toilets were just holes in the ground and people got used to those. Anyways, the bottom line is, remember to do the Asian squat and to bring paper, and no need to put the lid down.

In a related story, I was playing poker the other day, and while my opponent was dropping dueces so often we called him number 2, but I pushed the pot all in with a flush and took the whole pile home. It was the shit.

Last note: if you do come to China, you will find yourself on these toilets more often than you'd like. Indigestion is inevitable. Apparently it takes 3 or 4 months for your stomach to really get used to the food and water in China...I've been here 2 months....I really can't wait to get out of here.
EDIT: Picture of me demonstrating the Asian squat on the subway: Note the heels planted firmly on the ground.